


the world will always be there (and so will i)

by LemongrassAndSleep



Category: Madam Secretary
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Postpartum Depression, blake adores joanna, i love them, jay adores joanna, matt adores joanna, they all love their coworkers' kids like their own, they're all basically one big family, what are friends for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:21:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29594109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LemongrassAndSleep/pseuds/LemongrassAndSleep
Summary: Blake looks up and sees her, giving her a warm smile. “Hey,” he says. “I hope you don’t mind, I called in some reinforcements.”“Your fridge was empty,” Matt pipes up. “I got you some groceries-”“-Which I am cooking into a big batch of lasagna you can freeze so you should be good for the next week,” Blake says.“I kept Joanna occupied,” Jay adds, and he notices Daisy looking around for her daughter. “She’s asleep in the nursery now.”Daisy tears up, overwhelmed by the generosity of her coworkers. “You guys didn’t-““No. None of that,” Blake interrupts. “We did it because we love you.”
Relationships: Daisy Grant & Blake Moran, Daisy Grant & Elizabeth McCord, Daisy Grant & Jay Whitman, Daisy Grant & Joanna Grant, Daisy Grant & Matt Mahoney
Comments: 8
Kudos: 10





	the world will always be there (and so will i)

**Author's Note:**

> title from ben platt's song so will i!

Jay’s the first one to notice. He doesn’t know if he would have realised, had he not seen it before, but alarm bells start going off in his head. She’s zoned out in the morning meetings, getting teary in the middle of a conversation for seemingly no reason. Small things that he probably would have chalked up to hormones and a new baby had he not been through it already with Abby. 

He waits for a few weeks, never having been one for a conversation about feelings, but she doesn’t get any better. He pulls her aside one day to ask if she’s coping okay and Jay being, well,  _ Jay _ , he drops the subject when she insists she’s doing fine. He still manages to keep an eye on her whilst juggling his still relatively new Chief of Staff job. She gets better at hiding it. 

  
  


Elizabeth notices how tired she is when she comes into her office to ask her about something that came up during her afternoon briefing. She can’t stop yawning, and Elizabeth tilts her head at her. “How much sleep are you getting?” She asks, knowing it’s just her at home, knowing how exhausted she was even Henry around.

“Um- barely an hour a night, if I’m honest, Ma’am,” she replies, trying to cover up another yawn. 

“Joanna not a good sleeper?” Elizabeth asks. Daisy shakes her head. 

“No, she’s a good sleeper. I’m just struggling with a bit of insomnia at the moment,” she says, before redirecting the conversation to something else. Elizabeth gives her a sympathetic smile and then focuses where Daisy wants her to focus, but she makes a mental note to find some way to help her press secretary get a good night’s sleep. 

She ends up pulling Blake aside and asking him to drop by Daisy’s apartment over the weekend. He nods, eager to help out as always.

  
  


It’s Friday afternoon, and Matt drops by Daisy’s office to whine about his writer’s block for the third time that day. He walks in without knocking, making her jump, and she tries to wipe the tears on her face away before he can see, but when she looks up at him her eyes are still red and watery. He stops mid-sentence, the blank word document open on his computer forgotten. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Daisy tries, but tears keep spilling out and Matt may not be the most perceptive man on the planet, but he’s not stupid enough to believe that. 

“There’s clearly something wrong,” he responds. “I just want to help.” He can’t stand when Daisy’s upset. 

“It’s just hormones, Matt. I promise I’m fine,” she says, but her smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. In all honesty, she wouldn’t be able to tell him what was wrong even if she wanted to. She can’t work out why she spends every waking hour filled with anxiety but consumed by apathy at the same time. 

Matt nods, immediately growing awkward around the mention of hormones, but he pulls Daisy into a hug regardless. He can’t quite shake the feeling that she hasn’t been the same since she had Joanna. 

Daisy knows any other time a hug from Matt would make her feel better, but she doesn’t now, and the realisation means she has to hold back a fresh wave of tears. Matt decides to go complain in the general vicinity of Blake’s desk instead, but before he leaves he makes sure Daisy knows to give him a shout if she needs anything. 

The Secretary’s assistant is unimpressed by Matt’s moaning, and he’s reminded why Blake is not the person he goes to for this kind of thing. “Does Daisy seem… different, lately?”

“How do you mean?”

“She just doesn’t seem, you know,  _ here _ ,” Matt says, doing his best to explain. Blake’s intense side-eye seems to indicate he did not do a very good job.

“She’s just had a baby, Matt, I’m sure there’s other things on her mind,” he says, chalking Matt’s intense worrying up to his slightly puppy-like obsession with her. “The Secretary asked me to drop by tomorrow and make sure she’s okay, I’ll keep you updated.”

“Thanks, man.”

She’s started to dread the weekends. Getting out of bed in the morning when she has nobody to pretend for feels impossible, but she’s all Joanna has. This morning, Daisy finds herself sitting on the sofa supervising tummy time and trying to force herself to bond with her baby, when the doorbell rings. 

She frowns, not expecting anyone, but she picks Joanna up from the mat and looks through the peephole in her door to see Blake standing in the hallway. Daisy opens the door as little as possible, greeting him with an empty smile. 

“Hey Blake,” she says, praying he doesn’t pay attention to the old, stained pyjamas she’s been wearing whenever she hasn’t had to be in work clothes. “What do you need?”

“I was just in the area and wanted to come say hi to you and Joanna,” Blake shrugs, omitting the fact that he was in the area because their boss asked him to be. “Can I come in?”

She doesn’t have time to think of an excuse, and she nods, the fog in her brain stopping her thinking clearly. Blake stops in his tracks when he enters the apartment and sees the mess. “Daisy...”

She drops her head, and it’s like Joanna can tell the mood has shifted because she starts to cry. Daisy starts gently bouncing her, trying to get her to stop, almost grateful for a reason not to meet Blake’s eyes. He watches this, finally noticing the dark circles under Daisy’s eyes. 

“Daisy,” he says. She doesn’t look up, but he keeps talking. “Sit down, come on.”

Blake pushes baby toys and clothes aside to clear a space on the sofa big enough for them to sit in. She lowers herself gingerly, still a bit sore from birth. Joanna’s settled a bit now, and Daisy turns to Blake. He just waits for her to talk. 

“I haven’t had the time to clean up. I don’t see the point, anyway,” she says, and it’s the first time she’s even come close to talking about how she’s feeling.

“You could trip over something while you’re carrying Joanna,” he points out, but there’s no judgement in his voice, only compassion. That’s all it takes for Daisy’s face to crumple. 

“I feel like a bad mother,” she sobs. “I don’t feel like I can look after my baby, I feel guilty for going to work and leaving her with my mom but I’m the only one supporting her and she  _ needs _ me but I’m just not good enough.”

Blake wraps an arm around her before he says anything, mindful of Joanna. “You are  _ not _ a bad mother. You are trying to juggle work and looking after another person entirely on your own.”

Daisy sniffs in response, not entirely sure she believes him but appreciating his words regardless. She lets out something sounding like a laugh. “I’m so tired.”

“Do you think you could get some sleep if you knew someone was watching Joanna?” He asks.

“Who-“

“Me, Daisy,” Blake laughs. “I’ll watch Joanna for as long as necessary, you need a break.”

She nods, too tired to protest. Blake extends his arms, and Daisy hands her daughter over, knowing she’s in good hands. He’s surprisingly good with kids, she knows from watching how he is with Chloe. Joanna flashes him a gummy smile, something she’s only learnt recently, and Daisy feels a wave of relief wash over her. 

“I’m sorry about the mess,” she says sheepishly as she pushes herself gently up off the sofa.

“Don’t mention it,” Blake replies, already making faces at Joanna. Daisy smiles, grateful to have a friend like Blake. 

“There’s formula in the fridge,” she says before disappearing into her bedroom. Yet another thing she feels guilty about, but she found expressing at work too much to deal with. 

  
  


Daisy emerges a few hours later to a spotless flat and the smell of what she guesses is bolognese sauce. She’s not cured, but she’s better rested than she was this morning and she’s grateful for that. She hovers in the doorway of the kitchen for a moment, watching as Blake talks in a quiet voice over the counter to Matt and Jay, both perched on her kitchen stools. 

Blake looks up and sees her, giving her a warm smile. “Hey,” he says. “I hope you don’t mind, I called in some reinforcements.”

“Your fridge was empty,” Matt pipes up. “I got you some groceries-”

“-Which I am cooking into a big batch of lasagna you can freeze so you should be good for the next week,” Blake says. 

“I kept Joanna occupied,” Jay adds, and he notices Daisy looking around for her daughter. “She’s asleep in the nursery now.”

Daisy tears up, overwhelmed by the generosity of her coworkers. “You guys didn’t-“

“No. None of that,” Blake interrupts. “We did it because we love you.”

She nods, and walks over to where they are to bring them into a group hug. “I love you guys too. Thank you.”

“Oh,” Blake says, grabbing a pair of jogging bottoms and a t-shirt off the top of a basket full of clean, folded laundry, and handing it to Daisy. “Put these on and bring me those pyjamas, I’ve got another load to put in.”

“You don’t-“

“Well I am.” He points at the clean clothes, not taking no for an answer. “You need to change. I’ll make you lunch once you’ve showered.”

“Okay,” Daisy says. “Give me ten minutes.”

“We’ll be here,” Matt replies. 

They’re all silent until they hear the shower running. “I shouldn’t have listened when she said she was fine,” Jay says quietly. “I should have pushed her instead of dropping it.”

“Dude, have you ever tried to push Daisy?” Matt asks, putting a hand on Jay’s shoulder. Jay shakes his head. “Don’t. It won’t end well.”

Blake laughs at the look on Matt’s face as he remembers all the times he’s tried to get Daisy to do something she didn’t want to. “We know now, Jay. We can help her now,” he says. He feels guilty that they all went so long without noticing their friend struggling too, but this is just going to have to make up for it. 

The oven dings, and Blake grabs the pie of oven gloves before pulling two bubbling lasagnas out and placing them on the counter to cool. 

“That smells so good,” Matt says, his mouth watering, and Blake has to slap his hand away. 

“Are you insane? Did you not just watch me take those out of an  _ oven _ ? They’re going to be hot,” Blake scolds, and now it’s Jay’s turn to laugh at the parent-child dynamic playing out in front of him. “Besides, they’re not for you, they’re for Daisy.”

“But I’m  _ hungry _ ,” Matt whines. Blake rolls his eyes at him, amazed at the immaturity of this grown man. “I’ll make us all sandwiches once Daisy gets out the shower.”

“But-“ 

“Matt, I swear you’re needier than my eight week old baby,” Daisy says, rounding the corner with a bright-eyed Joanna in her arms. 

Matt stops being quite so petulant once he sees Joanna, immediately holding his arms out to take her from Daisy. “Jay was hogging her earlier.”

“I wasn’t-“ Jay begins, but realises Matt’s undivided attention is now Joanna’s. “She’s a delightful baby.”

Daisy grins at him, and then hands Blake the pyjamas she’d been wearing when he arrived. “Have I said thank you already?” she asks as he tosses them in a basket full of dirty baby-grows and a few of Daisy’s work dresses. 

“Don’t mention it,” he says, carrying the basket to the washing machine. 

“Do you want something to eat?” Jay asks Daisy, jumping up from his seat at the kitchen counter. 

“I’m okay,” she replies, her appetite nom-existent. 

“You need to eat, Daisy,” Jay frowns, remembering the way Abby used to go days without having any food. 

“I’m just not hungry,” she says, looking down at the counter. 

“Just have half a sandwich?” he bargains. Something is better than nothing. 

“Jay-“

“For Joanna.” 

Daisy sighs. “Okay,” she says, relenting. “But I want a grilled cheese.”

Matt’s head snaps up at the mention of grilled cheese. “Ooh, me too please,” he adds, before going back to playing with Joanna. 

“Grilled cheeses all round then,” Jay smiles, grabbing a spatula out of the pot next to the oven and waving it around in an attempt to make Daisy laugh. It kind of works. 

  
  


Blake slips out first, gathering all his things and kissing both Daisy and Joanna on the tops of their heads before he leaves. Daisy thanks him, again, and he waves her off, before telling everyone he’ll see them on Monday. 

Matt stays for about an hour after that, playing with Joanna and filling Daisy’s camera roll with pictures of the two of them. When he leaves he tells her to text him if she or Joanna needs anything and he holds her tight when she hugs him goodbye. 

Then it’s just Jay left, and he waits patiently as Daisy puts an exhausted Joanna down for a nap. The conversation he needs to have with her is best had if she’s not trying to keep one eye on a baby. When she comes back into the kitchen she hovers around the counter as if she can sense what Jay’s going to say. 

“Do you want a drink?” She asks, trying to delay the conversation as long as possible. 

“I’m fine, thanks,” he says. Daisy comes and sits down on the sofa next to him, avoiding eye contact as long as possible. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine. I was just a bit overwhelmed,” she lies. She can’t explain how she’s really feeling, she’ll get taken somewhere, away from her baby. Besides, it’s not like she can find the words anyway. 

Jay’s not going to make the mistake of believing her again. “You don’t need to lie to me, Daisy. I just want to help.” He says, and she swallows the lump in her throat. “The Secretary told me you haven’t been sleeping.”

“I didn’t think new moms were supposed to sleep,” she replies jokingly, trying to keep her voice even. 

He sighs, can tell she’s trying not to fall apart, and then remembers what it took for the nurse to get Abby to talk. “Nobody’s going to take Joanna away from you if you say you’re struggling.”

A tear escapes Daisy’s eye, but she makes no attempt to wipe it away. “I just feel so… empty, all the time,” she begins, and the sadness that feels like it’s swallowing her whole leaks into her voice. “But I also feel anxious at the same time. It’s like I can’t bring myself to care about anything but I’m also worried about everything, constantly.”

Jay nods empathetically, remembering the numbness that followed Abby everywhere. 

“And I-“ a small sob escapes her throat as she tries to finish her sentence. “I can’t bond with Joanna. I love her so much but I just can’t-“

Jay pulls her into a hug as she cries. He takes a deep breath, his suspicions confirmed. “Daisy, I think you have postpartum depression.”

“I don’t have anything to be depressed about,” she cries into Jay’s t-shirt. It occurs to her that if the emptiness ever goes away she’ll be embarrassed about this, but as with most things at the moment she can’t make herself care right now. 

“That doesn’t matter,” Jay replies. “Abby went through this after she had Chloe. It gets better, I promise. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but you need to go see someone.”

“I thought I was going to do this  _ with _ someone,” she sniffs. She never imagined being a single mom. 

“I know,” he says. “But you’re not on your own. You’ve got us.”

Daisy manages a smile. “Thanks Jay,” she says as she pulls away. “Hey, don’t you have to go get Chloe?”

“I can call Abby and tell her I’m going to be a bit late if you need me to stay? She’ll understand.”

“I’ll be fine. Go see your daughter,” Daisy replies. 

“Okay. I’m going to text you the number of the doctor Abby saw,” he says, grabbing his things. 

“I’ll make sure I call them,” she promises. 

“I’ll see you on Monday. Unless you want me to come by tomorrow?” he offers, but she shakes her head. 

“I’ll be fine, but thank you for offering,” she says as she walks him to the door. 

“Anytime.”

  
  


The next year is hard, but not as hard as it would have been if she didn’t have her boys. The doctor Jay told her about prescribes antidepressants, but she also recommends a therapist Daisy sees once a week on a Wednesday morning, facilitated by a shift in her working hours approved by Elizabeth. Blake and Matt take it in turns coming over on Saturdays, entertaining Joanna and helping Daisy with whatever housework she hadn’t gotten a chance to do during the week.

One day, once Daisy’d had enough time to recover from having Joanna, Blake takes her to the gym. She’d always enjoyed lifting weights, and getting back made her feel a bit more herself, even if she was frustrated that she couldn’t lift weights as heavy as she had been able to pre-baby.

She still has days where she gets overwhelmed at work and has to cry, but she no longer cries in her office alone. Somebody always makes time to sit with her, listen if she needs, but mostly just to provide hugs and wipe away tears.

Daisy starts to bond with Joanna, slowly. She’d loved her daughter from the moment she set eyes on her, but she starts finding she’s looking forward to finishing work and picking her up from her mom’s. She feels less guilty, about everything, and it gets easier to sleep at night.

It’s Joanna’s second summer in the world, and Elizabeth’s arranged a State Department picnic. The inner circle puts their blankets down close to each other, and Jay and Daisy watch Chloe play with Joanna on the grass, while Matt and Blake bicker about something insignificant. The warm sun on Daisy’s arms fills her with happiness, and she turns to Jay and grins. He tilts his head at her, a silent question.

“You were right,” she says, simply.

“About what?” he asks.

“It got better.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! i'm really proud of this one, but i also don't have kids and i've never had ppd, so i might have gotten some stuff wrong. it's an idea that i've been thinking about for a while, so i'm glad i finally wrote it.


End file.
